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Tuesday, August 24th, 2010
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9:08 pm - Help me, I'm melllllting.....
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Well, I've turned my bedroom from something resembling the inside of a skip to a moderately untidy room, which is clearly in the throes of packing. There is just one section, about four feet square, that needs some stuff removed and vacuumed. I've been trying since about five. I can't do it. I've managed a little bit, made some improvements, but I can't actually finish it. I've ended up with horrible indigestion & acid reflux from the stress of it as well as the whole mad anxiety attack thing. Every time I look at it I can't stop thinking about why I have to do this today, and I start to whimper.
There's a man coming on Thursday to give us a quote for the move. There will no doubt be other men looking around as well, because there will have to be more than one quote. Except it's been bloody hard to get an answer from any of these firms. Don't they have admin staff AT ALL?
It's not as if anywhere else is much better but the other areas seem more achievable, because I have achieved tidiness in them before. My bedroom hasn't been properly tidy for years.
Wool cupboard - yeah, I need some help with the heavy lifting, but totally doable. Kitchen - feed me jam and it will shine. Living room - jam & Coke, and I can blitz that motherfucker. Bedroom - is scaring me.
Today I went to the carpet shop, paid the deposit, booked a measurement man for Thursday morning and the carpets will be fitted on Friday. Wine red for the bedrooms, marled plum for the hall & living room. We haven't got anything for the kitchen & bathroom yet because we don't know when they're going to be replaced. The Council will be able to tell us, if we can get through to the right department at a time when their system is working properly.
I just want to hide but there's isn't anywhere safe at the moment.
I've got bags & bags of stuff to get to a charity shop. Of course, none of these places collect so I foresee many bus trips to town with me carrying two or three bags at a time.
On the bright side, I'm building a big bag of clothes for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) closetmonster - some black dresses, a couple of skirts & some tops so far. There's a whole cupboard I haven't looked in yet, and I'm hoping it's full of things she will like to tide her over this intermediary losing weight stage. I'd rather give them to closetmonster than charity and it doesn't matter if she can only wear them for a little while before she shrinks out of them, because it means she's saved money for when she's reached goal weight.
Dave will be home soon. I needs him.
current mood:  anxious
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| Friday, June 11th, 2010
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12:47 am - Survived!
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Or, how the Fraidy Cat went to a pub and met two other knitters. It's left me exhausted but I think I might go along again.
current mood:  tired
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| Wednesday, June 9th, 2010
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5:41 pm - Stay Calm & Carry On ...
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... is what I'm trying to do.
I've started packing, even though we haven't got a new place yet. We've been offered a flat in another multi, at the bottom of the hill, but we've no idea when we'll get to see it because there's work being done to it. Despite the location being okay I've heard that these flats are smaller than this one and Dave isn't keen on having less space. It has a balcony though, and I like the idea of having a bit of outsideness.
The trouble is, we only get to see one flat at a time. What if we refuse this one and then the other two we get shown are totally unsuitable? Just typing this is making my head hurt.
At least we have a sort of timescale - the council wants this building emptied by November. It was freezing during the winter because the building was so empty. Okay, we got a heating grant but when you're spending £25-30 a week to barely make the temperature into double figures, £250 wasn't a lot.
I need to think about finding a removal firm. Apparently, the firm the council recommend are 'a disaster'. I've got no idea about how to do this or how much of my relocation grant the move will take. Dave thinks I'm thinking too far ahead but the thinking, the planning and the packing are the only things keeping me even slightly balanced right now. The urge to crawl into a hole and not come out ever again is HUGE. Everywhere I look in the flat there is something which has to be done and I'm feeling overwhelmed.
current mood: intimidated
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| Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
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12:03 am - Meh
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Dave is in Belfast, doing his now annual run at the selection process for the Audit Office job he wants. I am in a Bad Place. I've only managed a couple of hundred words today, none yesterday and none on Saturday. I am incapacitated by apathy. I was trying to get Dave to understand this over the phone but he wasn't getting it.
It's worse because I've had weeks, even months, of feeling pretty damn good, with runs of feeling marvellous.
It might just be because Dave is away but I had started feeling Bad before we even knew he was going away.
My knitting mag arrived today and I've barely flicked through the pages. Usually I spend an hour or so reading all the articles and scanning the ads. Today, I haven't wanted to do anything. I made myself start reading a book, one of my favourites that never fails to make me smile, but I'm not enjoying it. I had bad dreams about my dad, including one where we thought he was dead but he wasn't and then I woke up and remembered that he is actually dead. It's kinda put me off wanting to sleep.
Anyway, I'm going to force myself up to bed now.
current mood:  depressed
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| Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
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2:27 pm - I need ...
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.... a victory.
Even a little one would do. Just something to help me feel better and more motivated to do things.
I've found a way to explain to Dave my ongoing exhaustion in a way he understood perfectly first time. As a result of my three-four week illness I've gained negative modifiers to health and energy stats. I need to buy off these modifiers with XP, which can be gained through rest and increasingly bigger tasks.
Gamers. What else do I need to say?
current mood: exhausted
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| Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
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9:57 pm - Rhubarb! Rhubarb! CUSTARD!!
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I'm currently panic-stricken. See, it's the Flower Show on Saturday, and I was just not wanting to travel, for the usual reasons plus feeling unwell and having PMT. Anyway, I forced myself to book a ticket last night for tomorrow but today I have felt even more unwell. I phoned my mum to say I didn't think I'd be able to make it but it transpires that my brother and his demonchild are currently visiting, so they are going to collect me tomorrow morning.
ARRRGGGHHH! The flat is far too cluttered and messy. I've been so panicky about the mess that instead of packing I've been finishing one of my monsters, with a brief foray into Saints Row 2 (Dave says I can't take the PS3 with me because Batman Arkham Asylum is out on Friday). Worried about a problem? Ignore it completely until you have practically no time in which to solve it.
I'm not worried about them being judgemental & being mean about the mess, more about them feeling sorry for me cos I'm not able to keep my home the way I'd like it. And I still have to pack my clothes, make two items of jewellery and finish two baby jackets, though the last I can do while travelling and on Friday.
So - I'm going to clean the bathroom, tidy round the living room and nuke the kitchen. Bomb the site from orbit, wot?
Mother will want to see my stash. She has heard many tales of my wool, pattern and book collection, and she will want to inspect. She ain't going to get a good look because it is in Vast Disarray but I can imagine she is going to be stunned and unable to parry.
Anyway, time to stop procrastinating and get cracking.
Except I must mention how awesome the game Saints Row 2 is. Not only do you get to steal cars, kill people and shoot down helicopters with RPGs, but you get to run around nekked streaking, and you get to flash people. There is also a vast amount of shopping to be done, because you earn Style Points by buying new clothes and cars and shit, and Style Ranks give you bonuses in the amount of Respect and Money you earn. Watching Dave play has led me to the conclusion that he should have had Sindy dolls when he was a nipper because he's always buying new clothes for his character and changing her outfit. It also makes me glad he's a bloke because a lot of the outfits he picks are minging. I gave meself hysterics the other day by dressing my character in black leather chaps, black leather bra and a g-string, then having her ride round on a bike. The hilarity comes in when you realise that you view the character from behind and the movement of her buttocks as she turns corners etc is quite realistic. I had to change her outfit after I gave myself stomach cramp from laughing so much.
current mood: anxious
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| Monday, August 10th, 2009
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12:45 am - Ranty Rant Rant
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I've offered a gold to three people and an alt vine to someone else, and have any of them got back in touch with me to say yay or nay? Nope. Well, the alt vine has grown up and if I don't get an answer to the latest gold offer I've made, I might just keep it for myself.
And I can't find my crochet hook case, and I NEED to crochet. Fuck wank bollocks.
current mood:  angry
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| Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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11:04 pm - Unhappy face
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I had to go into town today to get some things for Dave. I was reluctant to go but he needed lunch stuff so I forced myself through the door.
I hadn't gone very far when I just started to feel very lonely. I just felt that there wasn't anyone I could just phone and say "Hey, want to come for a wander?"
Dave says, "What about Jeanette?" You know, it's pretty fucking sad that a 72 year old is his first suggestion, and anyway, Thursday afternoons are bingo. Jeanette has something scheduled every day of week, there isn't any room for spontaneity. His other suggestion is that I do a college course. I just don't see the point in even trying again. I can't make to the community centre twice week and that's ten minutes walk away, a place where I feel safe, and where I'm known and know lots of people. How can I manage the college?
Plus out of the, mebbe, two courses I'm interested in, one of them is already attended by people with whom I don't feel comfortable.
Dave asks why I don't enjoy craft groups as much as I used to. I think it's partly because I am feeling more myself, and I'm tired of having to always have my brain set to Lowest Common Denominator. For fuck's sake, half of the Wednesday group have learning difficulties, how much interesting conversation am I going to have with them? It's all Corrie, what party they've been to and what party they going to go to. It's hard to have any kind of grown up discussion never mind on the sort of subjects I enjoy, because of the education gap, the geek/nerd gap, the thinking gap.
I think there's a cycle to my loneliness. Maybe I should keep track in case it's linked to lunar cycles or something. Then I can tell myself, I'm not really lonely, it's that phase of the moon.
And if you haven't been watching Desperate Romantics on BBC 2, watch it now! It's brilliant.
current mood: lonely
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| Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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9:15 pm - Need some crafty input
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/penguinhorde/3769368255/sizes/s/
I'm supposed to be making pieces to go on Homecoming wallhanging. This is my first one. It's supposed to be Robert Burns' head (I was working from this picture
http://anhedoniapoetry.wordpress.com/2009/01/19/happy-birthday-mr-burns-what-a-looker/)
Anyway, for various reasons I don't want to just do his features, not least because I don't think I can do a job good enough to satisfy myself.
I want to put a quotation across the facial area instead, probably "Ae fond kiss and then we sever" because I think it fits with the idea of emigration.
What do you think? Would it work? Tell me, tell me NOW! I want to move onto my Irn Bru and Tunnocks Tea Cake pieces, because I'll probably enjoy making them.
current mood:  creative
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| Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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10:24 pm - Nom Nom Nom
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http://www.instructables.com/id/4-minute-Chocolate-Mousse/
Now if only I had some 70% cocoa chocolate and some whipping cream just lying around ....
Dairy Milk and semi-skimmed just don't cut it in these circumstances.
But I do have to do an online Asda shop. Whipping cream freezes, doesn't it?
I like the idea of emergency chocolate mousse but these ingredients aren't store cupboard stuff in this home.
current mood:  disappointed
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| Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
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1:16 pm - Reality Check - Failed
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Man, everything today is so loud, so fast, soooooo whizzzzzy. It's like having all the bad effects of being stupendously drunk, while not actually having had any of the 'good' ones. I feel like I've shifted a couple of degrees to the left of reality. Very Cthulhoid.
That's what happens when you fuck up your meds. Interesting sensations though (that's objectively, not subjectively).
Painkillers, then bed.
current mood:  amused
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| Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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11:51 am - At last!
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I have found a male my gold draggie will breed with! Last week she gave me a gold egg, and this week too. And one of my silvers has finally given me a silver egg as well.
I am currently knackered. We went to Norn Iron for a week, came back Friday and I'm still recovering. I've now been in every county in Norn Iron, even if most of it was closed until Wednesday. I've been to the Giant's Causeway, which was hoaching with people. I have photos of ducks and swans and trains. No castles ;)
Some of my tiredness will be due to the fortnight long period. Ack! Hopefully it's now over and I think I should get some iron tablets to restock my natural resources. Dave has been nagging to go to the doctor about it since we got back.
I have to get ready to go out now. Lunch out with Jakob, plus some shopping. I need some knitting needles because I can't find the ones I want to work with the sock yarn I bought in Belfast. I'm thinking of knitting a pair of Jaywalkers, because I'm in a chevronic mood.
current mood:  quixotic
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| Monday, March 30th, 2009
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9:03 pm - Gratuitous Spending
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I've been swithering about embroidery frames. Closetmonster knows. Anyway, I came to a decision and found a cheap online shop which supplied the kind I want to try first.
http://www.siestaframes.com/acatalog/siesta_bar_frames.html
You buy pairs of 'bars' in whatever size you want, and then fit them together to make the square/rectangle you need for your work. They come in a huge range of sizes.
I got five pairs of bars for £6.85, plus £1 for P&P. (Their DMC embroidery threads are 49p a skein BTW.)
http://www.needlecraftexpress.co.uk/
That's cheaper than some of the individual frames I've been looking at - let's hope they're worth the money. I should have looked for reviews but I was overcome by impulse.
current mood: creative
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| Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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10:15 am - Stop Me!
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I've been looking at fabric.
Now I want lots of it. Particularly this one http://tinyurl.com/c3awyk
and this one http://tinyurl.com/dyt8rx and this one http://tinyurl.com/ccje6f and these
http://tinyurl.com/cs9ba8
http://tinyurl.com/d2fdnc
But I don't have any idea for what I'd do with them, apart from love them of course, so I'm not allowed.
Maybe I should find a sewing project so I can justify buying one of these. It's okay buying random fat quarters, but metres of fabric is somewhat harder to pass off as an impulse buy.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find me a sewing project I can do. Go go gadget readers!
current mood: enthralled
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| Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
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4:08 pm - Dundee Woman Fatally Crushed by Exalted Books
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Need I say any more on that front? Apart from AVALANCHE!
I was only trying to retrieve my box of felt so I could make a pincushion. Drat that boy and his Exalted obsession.
current mood: cranky
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12:24 am - Late night self pity
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I mentioned before that I've been feeling very disconnected from the world, and have been getting more and more withdrawn. The doctor agrees with me that I need to take positive action to reconnect, to push myself back out into the world while distancing myself from the things Out There which have been causing me stress.
Hence resignation as Chairperson of the community centre. It's been two and a half years, and I think I've done a reasonable job. There wasn't anyone else at the time to do the job, and now there is. I was going to try and see this out until the next AGM for various political reasons but I've been having too many anxiety attacks connected with the position. I have felt much less anxious since I made the decision, and even less since I told them last week.
My depression is biting me hard, despite this being the time of year when I usually perk up. There is probably a connection to Dad's death, so the doctor says I need grief counseling. He says I cope very well with my illnesses in normal run of things, but I don't have much in the way of spare reserves to deal with any additional problems, and that's why I'm struggling. Another reason, then, for stepping down from the Chair. The energies I used for that can now be put towards resuming Normal Service.
I think that I'm actually coping very well with the bereavement but in combination with my other 'issues', it has tipped me over the edge.
Anyway, we decided that I should try and reach out to the world again, try to take part in the Outside, even though it is the last thing I want to do. I'm forcing myself to do things because I know from experience that I enjoy them, that they will provide me with feelings of accomplishment and pleasure. Sounds odd, doesn't it? Forcing oneself to enjoy oneself.
I've been knitting a scarf in entrelac for the last two weeks. The project strikes a happy balance between mindless and interesting. I went over the four foot mark today, and now I'm getting my knickers twisted because I don't know when to stop and cast off. I've had to force myself to sit and knit, because otherwise I'd just have been brooding about all kinds of unchangeable things. With the wool I've got I could probably add another three feet to the scarf, but that might be excessive, given that it's seven or eight inches wide. It would start to resemble swaddling. There's the plan of knitting until I'm bored of knitting it, but it's main purpose has been therapeutic, boredom doesn't apply to the project. As I haven't decided on a replacement therapeutic project yet, the scarf can continue for a few more days.
Of course, I haven't been able to decide on a replacement project because of the apathy consuming me. I want to make a small tapestry picture using lots of differently textured stitches, on a canvas I've painted myself. Good plan, except I don't know want I want the picture to be. Inspiration is everywhere and nowhere. I've spent hours looking at projects and photos online for something that grabs me, but there hasn't been anything that has attracted me more than anything else.
Perhaps I should just start by stitching a pincushion, and see how that goes. We mostly cleared the table today, enough so I can craft at it. Now I just have to make an actual decision about what I'm going to make.
Anyway, self pitying question for today - what do you do if you reach out to the world, and the world doesn't respond, because you are too insignificant to be noticed? Over the last week I have emailed several people as part of my Be More Sociable drive, and I've not had a single reply. (Not referring to any regular readers here, just to clarify.) I haven't any responses to anything I've posted anywhere. I've become invisible online as well in life.
current mood:  blank
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| Monday, March 16th, 2009
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3:55 pm - So...
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Rav Day UK 2010 is in Stirling, being held on the uni campus. Convenient for some people, except they don't knit. It is likely to be held just about the start of the Fringe, so ... :D
In other news, I'm doing rather badly at the moment. Doc has told me I have to go to craft group and not be so withdrawn - it's hard though. I just don't feel social. I also feel disconnected somehow.
I had a manic spell yesterday morning, which was bad because I was exhausted but couldn't stop cleaning. There is some epic re-shaping going on inside my head, paradigm shifts even. No idea yet how it will turn out.
current mood: depressed
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| Sunday, February 8th, 2009
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7:28 pm - I'm baaack!
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After the best part of three days with no access, turns out the problem was AVG 8. I uninstalled that, and wow! the interweb exists again.
Now, I have acquired another silver while offline - I wonder how that happened?
Plus I have an alt vine hatchling? Still interested, Fi-beast?
Is that slobbering I hear?
current mood:  accomplished
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| Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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11:59 pm - Awesome!
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After twenty years, and many fruitless searches on Friends Reunited, my best pal from school has got in touch. Fanfuckingtastic!
current mood:  excited
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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5:35 am - Butterflies!
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I had to get up. I couldn't sleep because I was so uncomfy. I have a Krakatoa sized spot forming on the side of my nose, and it was bothering me with its pre-eruption shennigans. (I have now TCP'd it, in the hope of killing it before it grows any more.)
So what do I do in the middle of the night? Hang around the DragCave forum, of course.
The result is a gifted silver egg.Woohoo!
I tried breeding my gold but she turned down her prospective stud. The alt vine's babit turned out normal (puh!) but there's always next time. In fact, the next egg has been laid less than a minute ago. We can live in hope. The alt vine parents' have had sex but haven't produced any eggs. Wasters! Sex just for the sake of it is against the Bible, you know. Eggs must be produced! Otherwise you will be smited!
Yes, I am feeling a bit silly. Why do you ask? Nooooo, it's hours and hours and hours since I had chocolate cake. I haven't even looked at the chocolate cake or even sniffed its delicious aura.
Oh, yeah, cake. I got twelve silicon cupcake moulds for two quid in Asda. Actually, I got twenty-four for four quid, but you know what I mean. And not just in pastel colours either. I got a set with orange, red and some other hot colour that I cannot currently remember.
Yes, I am feeling a bit random. Why do you ask? I'm only thinking about visiting the chocolate cake.
Last week we picked an egg with the code arsm. I have resisted the urge to call it Arse, because Dave says it is a swear word. So I went with Ars Magica, which everyone calls Arse Magica anyway. Works, huh?
I could breed Grangemouth and Bathgate, and force Gnole to raise their bastard children.It would entertain me, at least.
I was thoroughly selfish earlier. I've had a rough week, getting progressively more and more wound up (even with Tuesday funtime), and the weekend was horrendous. Today (Monday 2nd Feb that is) I felt relaxed and completely unwound up for the first time this year. However, I had a community centre meeting to attend, and I knew if I went, I would get myself all stressed again. So I didn't go, I stayed home and played Lego Star Wars and attempted Lego Indiana Jones. I don't feel guilty, either.
In fact, I'm thinking of meandering upstairs now and playing some more Lego Star Wars.
current mood:  content
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